So you’re self aware. Great. Thanks for sharing. Now what?
You’ve realised why you do the things you do.
Why you shut down, overthink or stay longer than you should...
And I applaud you.
Because most people walk blindly through life, not noticing their patterns or how their behaviour affects others and they definitely don’t question themselves.
So if you’re that person, bravo my friend.. truly.
But, here’s where I have to be honest.
Self awareness is not the prize.
For some reason we act like noticing our patterns was the work.
Like saying ‘yeah, that’s my trauma’ somehow cancels out the impact of our behaviour.
It doesn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, self awareness is a necessary step but it’s definitely not the last one.
Noticing your shit, is not the same as changing it.
Understanding your wounds doesn’t stop you bleeding on people and being able to explain yourself doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for doing better.
Self awareness is not a shield for you to hide behind or a way to sound evolved while staying the exact same.
‘I’m avoidant because of my childhood’
‘It’s just who I am’ (my personal fav from my book of ‘words that make me want to punch people’)
‘I’m really trying to be better’
Ok, cool. But are you?
Because knowing where something came from is very different to deciding it doesn’t get to run your life anymore.
And this is so loud in relationships.
I see so many women who stay with men who are ‘doing the work’.
Men who can name their patterns, talk about their attachment style, are aware they struggle to communicate honestly and consistently.
And yes, awareness matters.
But at some point you have to ask yourself.. is he changing or is he just explaining himself really well?
Because hear this - awareness without action is just information.
And information doesn’t give you safety.. behaviour does.
You don’t feel secure because someone understands why they hurt you. You feel secure because they stop fucking doing it.
And this is where we confuse potential with reality.
We stay because he knows.
Because he’s trying.
Because he says all the right things.
Ughhhh, learn quicker please.
The same applies to you.
Because let’s be honest, you can change.. you just don’t want to and there’s a difference.
For some reason, you’ve chosen the familiar and that’s ok.. I mean we all have parts of ourselves that we’re ok with, even if they’re not that pretty.
Own it.
But saying you can’t change something you’ve never really tried?
Yeah, that’s not cool.
Because there is no fixed ‘who you are’.
Who you are is not a personality trait handed to you at birth. It is learned which also means, it can be unlearned.
You are no more than the result habits, choices and behaviours you’ve repeatedly picked, up until now.
That’s it.
And those choices create a belief about yourself.
And it is that belief that keeps you stuck.
But, your beliefs are not facts.
They are strongly held opinions that you’ve collected evidence for.
And every time you repeat the same behaviour, your brain goes yep, this is who we are.
I mean, naturally I’m someone who wants to wake up late and left to my own devices, I probably wouldn’t surface before 10am. So of course, I always told myself I wasn’t a ‘morning person’.
But now here I am now, dragging myself out of bed at 6am and hauling my arse to my 6.30 gym class.
And just like that.. a morning person is born.
Not because I believed it.
Because I did it.
Take overthinking.
Now, at some point you learned that analysing everything kept you safe.
That second guessing, protected you.
And maybe at one time, it did.
But right now? It’s costing you.
So the question isn’t ‘why do I overthink?’ It’s ‘do I want to keep living like this?’
Because awareness alone won’t change it.
What changes it, is deciding that this pattern no longer deserves a seat.
Then acting accordingly, even when it feels uncomfortable, messy or unnatural.
And before you say you can’t.. please know that confidence never comes first.
Action does.
You don’t wait until you feel ready, you move and the confidence catches up.
Do you know what happens, every time you do the thing you’d usually avoid?
Every time you show up when you’d usually disappear?
You give your brain new evidence.
Ok, she can do hard things
She does follow through
She is someone we can rely on
And that, is how identity shifts.
Not through insight but through behaviour.
This matters because the way you show up for yourself, is the blueprint for what you tolerate from others.
So, if you excuse your own patterns, you’ll excuse them in others.
If you confuse awareness with effort in yourself, you’ll do it in relationships too.
And, if you accept ‘I’m trying’ as enough.. you’ll build a life around half changed people and half arsed standards.
Want to know how much someone respects themself? Take a look at their partner.. just saying.
Self awareness is powerful.
But responsibility is where your life actually changes.
That’s the real prize.
